During the course of a day, I have about a billion ideas. Some good, others….not so much. I was recently interviewed by Essa Alroc from essaalroc.com, and she asked me how often I got my ass kicked while growing up. I told her not often enough, and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I suspect a lot of people could probably use a good ass kicking.

Anyway, I thought I’d give you a few of the ideas that I think would be quite effective at getting your ass kicked. This is based on a few assumptions:

1. You get caught (there is zero chance you won’t get caught).

2. You’re not some Chuck Norris/Stephen Seagal/Jet Li hybrid.

3. You really want to get your ass kicked.

Idea Numero Uno:

Enter a public restroom, and hang out by the sink. Wait for an unsuspecting victim. Depending on their path upon entering, you have three possibilities at engaging in hand to hand combat.

a.) Victim approaches sink beside you. The appropriate response is to cup your hands under the water from your own sink, and throw it onto victims crotch area. State that it looks like “Somebody had an accident.”

b.) Victim stands at urinal. The appropriate response is to walk quietly up behind them, and piss on the backs of their legs. When they ask “What the hell?”, (because they will), tell them you thought they were on fire.

c.) Victim sits down in a stall. The appropriate response is to clog the toilets to either side with paper towels, and flush continuously. Be sure to leave the stall in time to hold the victim’s door shut. When they begin swearing at you, simply state “I’ve got you now, Batman!”

Idea number two:

Find a tall building, and enter the elevator. Wait for unsuspecting victim to enter. At this point, you again are faced with several options depending on their floor of choice.

a.) The victim chooses the next floor. The appropriate response is to continuously place either your hand, foot or briefcase between the doors to prevent them from closing. When victim asks you to stop, tell them to take the stairs, it’s less crowded.

b.) The victim chooses the 19th floor. The appropriate response is to press the button for every floor leading up to the 19th. When the doors open on each floor, ask if this is the victim’s floor.

c.) The victim reaches to select their floor of choice. The appropriate response is to slap their hand away and ask for the password. After 3 failed attempts, tell them they will have to wait 10 minutes to try again. If they attempt to select a floor before the 10 minutes is up, give them a titty twister.

Idea number three:

Go to Wal-Mart and wait for unsuspecting victim. Remember, the stronger looking the better. Guys that look like their name may be “Bruno” or “Sampson” are optimal. Once your target has been selected, choose one of the following options:

a.) Follow them closely, and put one of everything they put into their cart into yours. While their head is turned to look for something on a shelf, toss a few items from your cart into theirs. Continue to do so until your cart is empty.

b.) Follow them closely, and every time their back is turned, remove an item from their cart, and place it into your own. Continue to do so until their cart is empty.

c.) Locate the canned goods aisle. fill your cart approximately 3/4 full. Watch for unsuspecting victim to turn down an aisle. Once they have selected an aisle, enter the aisle from the opposite end. When the victim is only 10-15 feet away, stare at them, and loudly make a “VROOOM-VROOOM!” sound. Once you have their attention, run into their buggy at top speed. Make sure the victim is out of the way to avoid injury. Injured people make terrible ass kickers.

There you have it folks! This is obviously not a complete list, but I hope it’s enough to get you started. If you have any better suggestions, please share! I’d love to hear them.